


I Know You All over Again

by chemicalburnfromthespiralperm



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, Song Lyrics, Two Birds, non-au, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 18:46:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11583954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm/pseuds/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm
Summary: katya listens to trixie's album for the first time.





	I Know You All over Again

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first tip-toe into the Trixya fandom. hope you enjoy.

It's a pretty song, floaty and lovely guitar strings being plucked by delicate fingers that he knows all too well, fingers that have dug into his thighs and fingers that have held his on flights that were too long.

Brian had been the first to purchase this fucking album but Trixie had made it very clear after it was finished - listen to it by yourself. Close all the curtains, turn your phone off and just listen. For me. Please?

_"I don't smell you in my sheets... and I don't hear you in the halls."_

God, that voice. Trixie always makes such a big deal out of not being good at anything but god damnit, that fucking banshee bitch can sing. And country fucking music. Brian would die before listening to country music but fuck him, call him Garth Brooks because this is a god damn masterpiece. Fuck.

_"Without your cologne, your calls on the phone I don't know you at all."_

There's something nostalgic in the way Trixie sings that makes Brian's heart ache. There's something about this song... it's too personal, like he feels he's invading a part of Trixie's psyche he wasn't invited into, but then again if she didn't want people to know, she wouldn't have written the song.

_u bitch. U ugly bitch. You beast. You MONSTER. I'm listening to "know you all over again"_

_Just shut up and listen or are you deaf in your old age now Jesus Christ_

He already knows what this is about. He does.

_"I'm growing older. I know that we're over the way we always have been, and then I see you  
and I know you all over again."_

The lyrics. The fucking lyrics. Brian's eyes are stinging. This stupid fucking bitch.

It had been a torrid love affair, a three month murder of his heart, a tearing at the muscle every fucking day while Trixie couldn't make up her mind about what she wanted and while Brian knew exactly what he wanted from the start until they both decided they were better friends than lovers and Trixie had broken his heart. Shattered it. Scattered it across the runway and trampled on it with those six inch white pumps that make her legs look like a run-on sentence that Brian wanted to choke on. He would have died at her feet and thanked her for killing him afterwards. He still would. That one stupid fucking night stuck in a one-bed hotel room together turned into the affair that broke his heart for the final time.

_"I don't leave you in the night. I don't up and go away."_

This bitch. This stupid fucking bitch wrote a song about their lives and put it on an album so the entire world could hear it.

How many times had she left Brian laying in a cold spot, their love story painted on the sheets, dying words of desperation and devotion lingering in the cigarette smoke in the air. They'd fuck and Trixie would leave and Brian would ache. Brian knew addiction well and he was addicted to Trixie fucking Mattel. She'd sit up on the edge of the bed, pulling the sheets around her waist and looking at him from over her shoulder with a demure smile, like she knew it, like she knew his newest addiction was her thighs, was the way she moaned his name, was the way she'd trace her fingers over the scars that marred his skin and the way she branded her name onto his neck with her teeth.

_"No green in your eyes, no teary goodbyes. No one cries on a plane."_

"Your eyes turn green when you cry," she'd said. "It's beautiful, but I never want to see it again," she'd said.

Too many times had they left the other at an airport crying their eyes out because they'd miss each other, and that was even before they started fucking.  She'd always told Brian how pretty his eyes were when he cried...

_what the fuck._

_Just listen._

It's all he can do - listen.

_"I know I'm adjusting, I know I should just think of going and not where I've been, and then I see  
you and I know you all over again."_

He wants to turn it off. His stomach is churning.

_"Is it wrong if I listen to songs that we lived in? The stories are staying the same. I lie by the speaker just  
getting weaker until I remember your name."_

He doesn't believe it. He can't believe that this had hurt her more than it had hurt him. It can't be possible and Brian knows this is just a song. The breakup had been her decision. It had never been Brian's. Ever. He doesn't realize he's crying until he feels a tear fall into his hand. Fuck this. He's so far gone, too deep and too damaged to be saved. He'd survived alcohol, meth, crack, cocaine, but the one addiction he won't survive his Trixie fucking Mattel, acid Barbie with thick thighs and an unlovable, unavailable heart.

It's that little hitch in her breath as she sings, "I don't call you when I cry," destroys him a little bit.

_Why? Why did you stop. You're my best friend. I'd listen to you read the fucking phone book you stupid cunt. Why would you stop calling._

_Because I'm not your problem anymore._

Brian's eyes grow wide. The three dots appear and disappear three times before they stop entirely. Brian turns his phone off.

_"I don't stay the day in bed. Mostly, I'm fine. Most of the time, I get by like I said."_

Brian pulls his knees to his chest and he cries. He's been crying about this for months. You're not supposed to fuck your best friend because this happens. You're not supposed to fall in love with them and the way they smile and that god awful cackle that sounds like fucking music.

_"I haven't been drinking, I haven't been thinking of lonely 'if onlys' and then...  
and then I see you and I know you all over again. And then I see you, and I love you all over again."_

Awful. Awful, awful, awful. He turns his phone back on and there's only one notification he's missed. Her name has a hundred emojis and most of them are hearts and happy loving faces...

_Bri, please. Please understand. I wrote it for you. Aren't you listening? When I see you I love you all over again. Every time. I see your fucking face on tumblr or god damn Facebook and there I am in love all over again. I love you.  I see your fucking face when I try to sleep or plastered all over my god damn facebook and I just get fucked all over again._

_you're an awful wretched girl._

_I know, but don't you love me?_

_I did._

The dots don't come back. Brian starts the song over again and he's sobbing now. He doesn't know what to do so he does the only thing he can. He facetimes Trixie.

When it connects Trixie is crying, too.

"I love you," she says.  It's an awful angle - she's holding the phone in her lap, and she's crying.

Brian rolls his eyes. "I just listened to a whole fucking song about it."  He sets the phone against the screen of his computer.

"I had to."

"You didn't have to do shit. This was your decision. You were the one that said we couldn't do our jobs if we were together. You were the one who kept fucking around. It wasn't me."

Trixie presses her lips together as a tear slides down her cheek. "I know. I know that."

"But why?"

"Because I wasn't ready! I was 25 when I met you! How am I supposed to be ready for forever at that age? What the fuck, Brian? I met you and I loved you. Instantly."

He winces at the use of his real name. She never calls him that. "Was I supposed to wait for you? Was I just supposed to wait around for you to magically be ready? Do you have any idea what I would do for you? How embarrassing it is that I WOULD wait for you? That I did? I watched you fuck your way through how many cities? What exactly did you think that was going to do to me, Brian?"

She puts her head in her hand and sighs. She looks like she's in agony. She probably is. As satisfying as it should be... it breaks his heart.

"Brian... Trixie. Baby. Don't. I'm... I'm not sorry. I've never been sorry. I love you and I'm not sorry, but what's fucked up is you teasing me. Is you writing a fuckin' song about our breakup. What's fucked up is how much I want to hate you but you are my best friend and my whole world and I love you and I can't." She looks up at him with those brown eyes and his stomach flips like it always fucking does. "I'm sorry, babe. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot and we know that."

She shakes her head.  "I have loved you since day one.  Your fucking stupid laugh.  The way you look at me.  The way you're my biggest fan.  The way you smell.  Brian, I love everything about you and I especially love the way you love me.  I wrote that song because I can't fucking do this anymore.  I would rather be your friend for the rest of my life if it meant losing you because we have a bad break-up...  but I can't not take that risk.  I can't.  I want you in every stupid way imaginable.  I want you when you're manic, when you're anxious, when you're ugly, and when you're fucked up.  I want all of that.  You are my best friend.  Shouldn't you marry your best friend?  Isn't that what they tell you?  Don't you have to be friends first?"

"Brian Firkus, did you just fucking propose to me?"

"I hate you.  I hate you so much.  You are rancid."

"Serious question.  Are we back together or not?" She looks like she wants to punch him through the screen but he's gotten that look enough times over the years to know what it means.  He knows better. Trixie wipes her eyes off and looks so young in the dull lighting that he has to smile. "So we're back together?"

"Can you just take me on a date like a normal person?"

"I ate your ass in that hotel room.  I think that counts as a date."

"I fucking hate your guts."

"I _ate_ your guts, so."

"UGH.  Brian, will you be my fucking boyfriend?"

There's so much...  so much that needs to be said and so much that never will be said and it all hangs intimately between them, between the internet and a cell phone screen with a pixelated picture that's out of sync with its sound.  Maybe it's the WiFi or maybe it's the way that Trixie's breath hitches while she waits for his response.  All he has to do is say yes.  They're on opposite sides of the country but it feels like they're right next to each other.

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"It's always been yes."


End file.
